As cool as Bulls vs. Bobcats sounds, humans don’t actually make things fight each other on TV. If they did make the decision to do the greatest sporting event ever, here’s how it’d turn out:
I don’t know how these guys could do anything. They’re inanimate objects, and non-threatening ones at that. I can’t wait to see gold ore fight a pair of pants or an engine part. Snore.
26: SAN ANTONIO SPURS
They’re in the same boat as the rest of the basement, but at least they’re pointy. Maybe they’ll give one of the animals a tiny little cut.
25: OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER
Now, if they were the OKC Lightning, they’d easily be near the Top 5. However, Thunder is simply the sound that comes AFTER lighting. The best they’re gonna do is frighten an animal and maybe rupture an eardrum,
24/23: LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS/HOUSTON ROCKETS
Also inanimate objects. At the very least, they have the potential to fall over and crush the opposition because of their size.
22/21: PHILADELPHIA 76ERS/UTAH JAZZ
Never going to lose, but also never going to win. That’s because they’re abstract concepts. You can’t kill a number or music; however, music and numbers can’t kill you.
20: NEW ORLEANS PELICANS
Welcome to the least threatening living thing on this list. They might steal your food and pester you if you’re on a dock, but that’s about it.
19: DALLAS MAVERICKS
An un-branded cattle? I’m shaking in my boots at the thought of an animal that is literally bred for human consumption.
18: LOS ANGELES LAKERS
A Laker is a person who lives near a lake. Nothing more, nothing less. At least it’s better than a net.
17: SACRAMENTO KINGS
Maybe one king is scary if you live in his kingdom, but many of them? They’re going to have a harder time fighting each other than anything else.
16: CHARLOTTE BOBCATS
Tiny baby feral kitties. Maybe they could do some damage if they hunted in packs, but humans with sharpened sticks or rocks could win this fight.
15/14: CHICAGO BULLS/MILWAUKEE BUCKS
This is where we’re starting to get a little intimidating. While they stand a good chance against many other animals, a human could take them down easily since they’ve been doing so for millenia.
13: ATLANTA HAWKS
Here we go. Hawks are solid. They can dive at like 200 MPH. Their size is a major factor, however, since their main prey is the size of my palm.
12: BOSTON CELTICS
Probably the best of the “Unarmed Human” division. Since they’re Irish stereotypes, they most definitely know how to fight. Without anything but a sheleighly, though, they’re up the creek for animals like the Grizzlies.
11: PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS
Only slightly above the Celtics. I’m assuming these pioneer dudes have those old-timey muskets that take forever to reload. They stand a solid chance against most animals, though.
10: MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES
Now this is starting to get intense. A pack of wolves is a real, legitimate threat to most beings.
9: INDIANA PACERS
Guys with really fast cars. I’m assuming they can run over most things, but they’re practically useless in hilly terrain or dense brush. Don’t expect them to lose much at home, since Indianapolis is on the Plains.
8/7: CLEVELAND CAVALIERS/GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
Now this is a fight. Cavaliers are trained soldiers with pointy little swords and pistols. Warriors have armor and shields and stuff. Here’s the best hope for normal human beings.
6: TORONTO RAPTORS
That’s right, dinosaurs. Albeit small for dinos, they’re still friggin’ velociraptors. They’re gonna bring the fight anywhere.
5: MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES
While velociraptors are scary, the force of 13 hulking grizzly bears is staggering. Probably one of the best living things on the list, but bears still can’t stop forces of nature.
4: PHOENIX SUNS
It’s almost comical to think of a grizzly bear or a bunch of Irish guys literally trying to fight 13 Suns. Anything that physically exists is going to get destroyed by the Suns.
3/2: ORLANDO MAGIC/WASHINGTON WIZARDS
Your team? POOF! Vanished. These teams are essentially the same in this context, so they tie. I’m betting the power of 13 Dumbledores can freeze the sun or make it disappear or something.
1: MIAMI HEAT
How do you beat a universal concept? Intense heat can destroy anything, even the core of the sun if it’s hot enough. They also have LeBron, so that’s a plus.