[NBA POWER RANKINGS IF THE MASCOTS HAD TO ALL FIGHT EACH OTHER]

As cool as Bulls vs. Bobcats sounds, humans don’t actually make things fight each other on TV. If they did make the decision to do the greatest sporting event ever, here’s how it’d turn out:

30/29/28/27: NETS/KNICKS/PISTONS/NUGGETS

I don’t know how these guys could do anything. They’re inanimate objects, and non-threatening ones at that. I can’t wait to see gold ore fight a pair of pants or an engine part. Snore.

 

26: SAN ANTONIO SPURS

They’re in the same boat as the rest of the basement, but at least they’re pointy. Maybe they’ll give one of the animals a tiny little cut.

 

25: OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER

Now, if they were the OKC Lightning, they’d easily be near the Top 5. However, Thunder is simply the sound that comes AFTER lighting. The best they’re gonna do is frighten an animal and maybe rupture an eardrum,

 

24/23: LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS/HOUSTON ROCKETS

Also inanimate objects. At the very least, they have the potential to fall over and crush the opposition because of their size.

 

22/21:  PHILADELPHIA 76ERS/UTAH JAZZ

Never going to lose, but also never going to win. That’s because they’re abstract concepts. You can’t kill a number or music; however, music and numbers can’t kill you.

 

20: NEW ORLEANS PELICANS

Welcome to the least threatening living thing on this list. They might steal your food and pester you if you’re on a dock, but that’s about it.

 

19:  DALLAS MAVERICKS

An un-branded cattle? I’m shaking in my boots at the thought of an animal that is literally bred for human consumption.

 

18:  LOS ANGELES LAKERS

A Laker is a person who lives near a lake. Nothing more, nothing less. At least it’s better than a net. 

 

17:  SACRAMENTO KINGS

Maybe one king is scary if you live in his kingdom, but many of them? They’re going to have a harder time fighting each other than anything else.

 

16: CHARLOTTE BOBCATS

Tiny baby feral kitties. Maybe they could do some damage if they hunted in packs, but humans with sharpened sticks or rocks could win this fight.

 

15/14:  CHICAGO BULLS/MILWAUKEE BUCKS

This is where we’re starting to get a little intimidating. While they stand a good chance against many other animals, a human could take them down easily since they’ve been doing so for millenia.

 

13:  ATLANTA HAWKS

Here we go. Hawks are solid. They can dive at like 200 MPH. Their size is a major factor, however, since their main prey is the size of my palm.

 

12:  BOSTON CELTICS

Probably the best of the “Unarmed Human” division. Since they’re Irish stereotypes, they most definitely know how to fight. Without anything but a sheleighly, though, they’re up the creek for animals like the Grizzlies.

 

11: PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS

Only slightly above the Celtics. I’m assuming these pioneer dudes have those old-timey muskets that take forever to reload. They stand a solid chance against most animals, though.

 

10: MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES

Now this is starting to get intense. A pack of wolves is a real, legitimate threat to most beings.

 

9:  INDIANA PACERS

Guys with really fast cars. I’m assuming they can run over most things, but they’re practically useless in hilly terrain or dense brush. Don’t expect them to lose much at home, since Indianapolis is on the Plains.

 

8/7: CLEVELAND CAVALIERS/GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS

Now this is a fight. Cavaliers are trained soldiers with pointy little swords and pistols. Warriors have armor and shields and stuff. Here’s the best hope for normal human beings.

 

6: TORONTO RAPTORS

That’s right, dinosaurs. Albeit small for dinos, they’re still friggin’ velociraptors. They’re gonna bring the fight anywhere.

 

5: MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES

While velociraptors are scary, the force of 13 hulking grizzly bears is staggering. Probably one of the best living things on the list, but bears still can’t stop forces of nature.

 

4: PHOENIX SUNS

It’s almost comical to think of a grizzly bear or a bunch of Irish guys literally trying to fight 13 Suns. Anything that physically exists is going to get destroyed by the Suns.

 

 3/2: ORLANDO MAGIC/WASHINGTON WIZARDS

Your team? POOF! Vanished. These teams are essentially the same in this context, so they tie.  I’m betting the power of 13 Dumbledores can freeze the sun or make it disappear or something.

 

1: MIAMI HEAT

How do you beat a universal concept? Intense heat can destroy anything, even the core of the sun if it’s hot enough. They also have LeBron, so that’s a plus.

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[TOP 10 HUMAN MUSICAL COLLECTIONS]

Humans have these little circles of sound called CDs. Among the best shiny little circles that make noise:

10. DAVID HASSELHOFF-NIGHT ROCKER
night rocker

David Hasselhoff is practically the greatest human being ever. From automobile pilot to swimming patrolman, he once again displays his versatility by making musical sounds with a guitar. He also broke down some walls or something.

9. HULK HOGAN-HULK RULES
hulk rules

I don’t really like this one, but the guy on the cover scares me. I don’t wanna make him mad so I put him on this list. Don’t tell him I said that, though.

8. LIMP BIZKIT-GREATEST HITZ
poop

These guys look really cool on the music videos.

7. KANYE WEST-YEEZUS
yeezus

Never listened to this one, but Pitchfork says it’s really good. Who am I to disagree with them?

6. JOY DIVISION-UNKNOWN PLEASURES
joy division

This album is strange in that it’s actually just a t-shirt.

5. KIDZ BOP 17
kidz bop

4. KIDZ BOP 24
kidz bop 2

3. KIDZ BOP 9
kidz bop 3

2. WAL-MART ASSOCIATE CHOIR – EYES OF A CHILD
no love deep web

Sure, that woman on the TV can sing. But can she sing while BAGGING YOUR GROCERIES? I think not.

1. NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL SHREK
number 1

The undisputed pinnacle of modern music.

If you disagree with this list, then you’re wrong. It’s all facts.

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[MACINTOSH RANT]

Macs are to computers what Antarctica is to continents.

The fact that it has almost never been attacked doesn’t mean it’s the safest place. It just means that no one cares. It’s white and boring and every part looks the same. There’s nothing productive you can do with it without investing lots of money. It’s a trend that will soon melt away and cease to exist for a very long time. Visiting will cost twice as much as going to any other place on Earth. People who actually do it feel superior but are actually really stupid.

 

The very etymology of the word “Antarctica” means “no polar bears”. That perfectly represents how terrible it is.

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ENTRY XLQ-481 [CHICKEN TENDERS]

At any given human eating establishment, no matter what style of cuisine, there will be chicken tenders on the menu. You may be tempted to order them from your frequent sightings of this delicacy. It is advised by ███████ not to order this dish except under extreme circumstances. This food is lies. Chicken tenders are about 10% chicken and 0% tender. Below is a cross-sectional analysis of the average restaurant chicken tender:

Just don't order it.

This is a little generous; there’s usually less chicken than what is pictured

Also served with the lie that is the “Chicken Tender” is a lie in liquid-condiment form: honey mustard. Honey Mustard is usually made mostly of vinegar and high fructose corn syrup. It tastes like neither honey nor mustard.

If you see humans ordering it, it signals one of the following:

A) The human is a juvenile between the ages of 3 and 12

B) The human is afraid to try any other item on the menu

C) The human is what is called a “picky eater”. They limit their palate to just a few food groups (most of them aren’t very tasteful).

 

If you have disguised as an adult human, try to avoid ordering this dish. You’re guaranteed not to enjoy it, and it makes you look like what humans call a “man-child”. While “chicken” is a delicious avian food, “chicken tenders” are a waste of the meat. We suggest “fried chicken”.  Now that’s a delicacy. Note, however, that you needn’t travel to the territory of “Kentucky” to eat “Kentucky Fried Chicken”. That took us, like, 40 solar revolutions to realize there was one just a couple blocks down.

 

-Zognax, EARTH YEAR 19██

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ENTRY QTP-557 [ENRON]

Behold: the greatest company ever.  If you plan on trying to make a f0rtune at Earth, this is where you want to invest your dollars. They’re just doing everything right. You don’t see that too much in modern business. Kenneth Lay really has a head on his shoulders.

 

Side note: I’ve noticed a lot of buzz for this little company called “Google”. Don’t buy into the hype; everyone knows better than to put cash into tech stocks nowadays.

 

-Zognax the Banker, EARTH YEAR 1999

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ENTRY ZJS-630 [COMPUTERS]

Don’t worry about these. Only nerds use them. Looks like just a fad to me.

 

-Zognax, EARTH YEAR 1983

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